Gaslighting: It’s not you, it’s them.
Were you ever in an uncomfortable situation where you felt some kind of way and the people around you did not validate those feelings? Whether it be an argument with a friend or family member, or just a situation where you were open and then shut down by someone?
Just recently, I found out what “gaslighting” meant. I was watching a TV show and the word came up. I had heard it before but never truly understood what the word meant; [the same situation for most people I assume a situation that many people could probably relate to, and boy was it eye opening to realize that I had people in my life that gaslight on the daily.
In the most basic terms, gaslighting describes when someone psychologically manipulates another person into questioning their own sanity and experiences. The “and experiences” part is super important in regards to racism/misogyny/homophobia/work-place related gaslighting situations, as those tend to be more subtle and microaggression related. Basically what it means is psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity.] The definition itself is very dark and almost satanic. How can one person make you question your own sanity or lived experiences? Well, it is a lot easier than you think, and happens all the time without people even knowing it.
A lot of the time gaslighting comes into question in romantic relationships and partnerships. For example, in the situation where you thought your partner was cheating on you, they may answer you with the common phrase of “I don’t know what you are talking about,” or “you are just overthinking it.”
When someone is gaslighting you, most of the time their main goal is to divert attention, shift the blame, and make you think that you are the one in the wrong, further making you question your sanity and doubt your feelings at that moment. Furthermore, questioning your sanity and making you doubt your feelings at that moment.
Their main goal is for you to question everything about the situation, and ultimately turn it around so that they can be viewed as the good guy/girl/person, or even the victim of your “unwarranted” accusations.
According to Vox.com, gaslighters just want to be completely in control, not only of their feelings and the situation, but of your feelings as well.
When I learned about this and read the article from Vox talking about all of thes signs of being a victim of gaslighting, I had to sit back and take a breath. A lot of situations, and the reasons I react the way I do today, could have been the result of being gaslighted in the past, and part of the reason I question myself so much today.
In my own recent experience, without getting into my entire personal history yet again, I have always been a somewhat sensitive person when it comes to certain situations. Over the years I have practiced not letting it get to me too much when I am in a social setting or around people I am not comfortable with yet.
However, one person in my life just knows how to get under my skin. It is all fun and games until the same punch, the same jab, the same joke is being said over, and over, and over again.
It got to the point where I felt like this person’s own personal punching bag every time we hung out together, and it really made me question whether I was being overly sensitive. I knew this person loved me and I knew that they were just joking, so why could I not just let it go?
Was it the fact that I was constantly reminded of it a thousand times? Was it the fact that they were just teasing me and (not or) I was being too sensitive? That was the exact phrase they would say to me after I lashed out and yelled at them:
“You are being way too sensitive, it was a joke. You are too easy to mess around with.”
That night, I went home and looked up the word that was sitting in the back of my head for so many weeks, and I realized that that was what they were doing to me this entire time: making me think that I was the one who was wrong for getting upset and not “taking a joke.”
There are so many other examples of gaslighting that are so much worse as well, and like I mentioned before, a lot of people don’t even know it is happening to them. I refuse to accept the fact that someone could have any kind of control over me and make me question myself and my own sanity.
It is a subtle form of manipulation, intentional or not, that diminishes a person’s thoughts, feelings or emotions.
If you have been following my articles throughout BitterBlush for a while now, you know that I always offer my two cents when it comes to these kinds of situations. My opinions are usually smack dab in the middle or the end to leave my readers with a thought provoking question or feeling. However, this is not the case this time.
When it comes to gaslighting, I still do not know what the best thing to do is. Gaslighting can sometimes feel like a lose-lose situation, especially for the victim. Whether you let them go on and take advantage of your feelings or point things out to them, a good gaslighter will most likely go on to gaslight you some more
Phrases like “you are being too sensitive” or “you’re overreacting” or “it was a joke” are everyday phrases we say that could have a lot of baggage to them. Most of the time, it was not a joke, and if it was, it was poorly executed if someone was reacting in a way that they felt the need to speak up against it.
It is even more of a reason to stop and think about what you are saying when someone reacts the way they do instead of saying they are being sensitive or overreacting about something. Most of the time, their feelings are valid and you are dismissing them even more.
There is no one way to go about a situation when someone in your life is gaslighting you, and the only advice I had to give myself was to really just let it go. And no, it is NOT that easy, however knowing someone that is a serial gaslighter, I know they are just going to make me question myself even more--and I refuse to let that continue happening.
So, instead of leaving you with an emotional or passionate last paragraph, I am going to leave you with some educational tools that you can take with you into your relationships that are signs of gaslighting. Whether you are the victim of gaslighting or the gaslighter, I recommend educating yourself on these phrases and thoughts so if the time comes where you feel uneasy with your emotions and find yourself diminishing another’s, you stop and think about what you are feeling or what you are saying.
For victims remember: It’s not you, it’s them. And for gaslighters rest assured, it’s you, not them.
Courtesy of Vox.com, here are some thoughts that might resonate with you if you are in a gaslighting relationship:
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.
You often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship
You’re always apologizing
You can’t understand why you aren’t happier
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior
You know something is wrong but you just don’t know what
You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists
You have trouble making simple decisions
You wonder if you are a good enough partner or friend.
And here are some common phrases a gaslighter would say:
“You’re so sensitive!”
“You know that’s just because you are so insecure”
“Stop acting crazy. Or: You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?”
“You are just paranoid.”
“You just love trying to throw me off track.”
“I was just joking!”
“You are making that up.”
“It’s no big deal.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You are always so dramatic.”
“Don’t get so worked up.”
“That never happened.”
“You know you don’t remember things clearly.”
“There’s no pattern. Or: You are seeing a pattern that is not there.”
“You’re hysterical.”
“There you go again, you are so ungrateful.”
“Nobody believes you, why should I?”
Stern, R. (2019, January 3). Gaslighting in relationships: How to spot it and shut it down. Vox. https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained