The Thing About Communication
When I think about the word communication, I always think about the frequent arguments I’ve had with loved ones about what we’re going to eat that day. Whether it’s because Mom decided to take a break from cooking dinner that night, or because my friends and I are out and about.
These arguments often take place in a car, in the middle of a parking lot somewhere to avoid wasting gas, where half of the group is on their phones looking for something appealing, while the other half are going back and forth trying to convince one another that absolutely anything at that point would be great. After coming to a decision, we all laugh about the place we stopped for a whole twenty minutes, whether it was a grocery store parking lot or the side of a stranger’s house.
We’ve all wondered, why can’t it just be easy for one of us to come up with something for all of us? Why can’t one speak for all, in confidence that we’ll all agree to that same thing and be satisfied? We tend to hold back on voicing exactly the things we want because we sense judgement headed our way. Some of us are accustomed to settling for less than what we want in order to prevent conflict and rejection.
About a month ago, my boyfriend and I had agreed to spend an entire upcoming weekend together to go out and do something spontaneous. Considering weekends are always filled with work for me, this was an opportunity to spend quality, intimate time together. On the Saturday afternoon of our planned weekend, as I headed back to my restaurant from a catering gig to get my car, I was stuck in a truck full of co-workers and our manager. I sat low in my seat, under the weather, with a heavy heart. The night prior, my boyfriend and I had a slight fallout over something small and unnecessary.
We had crushed the argument completely, but I still felt distant from him and my heart felt heavy as we messaged each other back and forth. It felt like I was walking on eggshells, waiting for something bad to happen again. We communicated about meeting up sometime later to do something together.
I went on with my day, still with the same distant feeling, expecting to see him later on in hopes that we’d speak in person about my negative feelings, but we didn’t. Minutes later, I got a message from him saying that one of his friends had invited him to a backyard show, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go. At this point, I questioned why he had even brought it up to me, knowing we had agreed and pushed to spend time with each other. He brought it up in the hopes that I’d want to join him, and I clearly stated that I didn’t because I didn’t feel up for that environment. I felt as if my words weren’t being considered, I wasn’t being acknowledged, and neither were my feelings.
I messaged back in disappointment, letting him know that he’d be better off spending time with his friends instead. As we messaged each other back and forth, I kept up a happy front until he finally decided to go out with his friends. In the back of my mind, I knew I was upset. It felt like I was disregarded, my feelings were disregarded, and our agreement to spend time together was disregarded...
I arrived home and didn’t respond to him until hours later when I sent a long message expressing my anger. I got a call from him immediately, which resulted in more fallout. Why didn’t I just tell him clearly, in confidence that the reason I didn’t want to join him and his friends was because I just wanted intimate time together? Why couldn’t I tell him that I didn’t want him to go out this weekend and that I wanted it to be just the two of us?
I didn’t tell him because of how possessive I thought I’d look. I didn’t want to be perceived as possessive by communicating my true desires. I wanted to be the “cool” girlfriend because I wanted to please him.
My point here isn’t to tell a long tedious story about the miscommunications in my relationship, nor to make anyone look inferior. I’m just here to bring awareness to the fact that communication is one of, if not the biggest, contributor to a healthy relationship, whether the relationship is with a friend, family member, or a significant other. Communicating and expressing your desires clearly with everyone from your Starbucks barista to your significant other is crucial because no one can read your mind. It’s crucial under any circumstance because not everyone perceives your words the same.
When someone does not understand what you say, having to communicate even further in an effort to make yourself understood can be discouraging. Communication requires patience and a willingness to listen to your significant other, as well as being patient with yourself. As humans, we tend to become impatient and defensive in order to protect ourselves from others’ opinions. When that happens, you have to take that barrier off, let loose, and listen because everyone wants to be heard.
Being clear and expressing your needs and opinions in a relationship prevents miscommunication and leads to the development of better, much closer relationships. Being afraid to express our desires is completely normal because we’re afraid of rejection, we’re afraid that no one will like the things we like, and we’re afraid people won’t agree with anything we’re in favor of. Disregarding our feelings to put others first can seem like the only alternative.
But it really isn’t.
Listening to yourself, being in tune with your mind and body, and expressing your feelings and needs in ANY relationship is necessary for a clearer and deeper understanding of the things that make you happy. So the next time you find yourself going back and forth with someone about something as simple as what to eat, be courageous and remind yourself that what you want matters. Don’t be afraid to share it. You’ll be relieved you decided to speak up.