So you're dating someone with bipolar disorder

When you think of someone who is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, what do you think of? Someone who has different personalities, who is unreliable, unstable or impulsive? These are just some of the stigmas and stereotypes that come with being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, or in some cases, any mental health condition.

Although some of these are valid concerns, they do not define who we are or limit us to living a perfectly stable life. It took me a long time to realize that after my diagnosis in 2019.

After years of suicidal thoughts, undefinable mood swings, and turning to alcohol to cope, I checked myself into an in-patient psychiatric unit to help get the answers I longed for. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Bipolar Disorder, defined by the mayo clinic, is formerly known as “manic depression” and is “a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression).”

They also defined Borderline Personality Disorder as “a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life; includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.”

I remember vividly sitting in that chair during my orientation in the psych center when they told me that they thought I had these things. It weirdly fit together perfectly, like a missing piece of a puzzle, why I fell into the ways I did, why I acted and reacted the way I did, and real answers and solutions I could get to help my everyday life. 

Although that missing piece was finally found and everything seemed to fit and fall into place about my past, as fast as it fell into place, another reality set in: what am I going to do now?

I had just learned that I was diagnosed with multiple serious mental health conditions and most likely going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life. And it terrified me that I not only had to explain this to my family and the people closest to me that had no prior understanding of mental health diagnosis, but one day, I was going to have to let a significant other behind this curtain I have used to shield myself for so long. 

After doing extensive research, joining Facebook support groups, and going to AA once a week, I tried to surround myself with people that already knew what I had; people I did not have to explain in great detail about how and who I am. 

For so long, I felt like my whole being was attached to the word “bipolar” or “borderline” like a scarlet letter pinned on my body warning people to be wary of me; to be scared of me. 

But I never even planned for the day that someone would want to be close to me and be let behind the curtain to learn about me and my conditions besides my family. 

This past Valentine’s Day was very important for me because it marked the first Valentine’s Day I spent with a significant other after my diagnosis. I never planned on being in a serious relationship so early after, but it came when I least expected it and defiantly taught me some lessons on dating someone bipolar or dating someone who does not know how bipolar affects everyday life. 

Me and my partner have been together a little over half a year, so still fairly new. However, I learned that in order for us to succeed and move forward, I needed to be truthful with what I go through. 

I used to look at my diagnosis as chains weight me down and holding me back from living a “normal” life. I always used that word “normal” like it was a goal or life I was trying to achieve, and that I was never going to live that. Now, I look at my being Bipolar and Borderline not as my sole identity, but as a huge part of who I am and will forever be.

All of the stuff I have been through in my life led me to where I am today, where I am at peace with my reality and taking one day at a time. 

My fear was, after reading those definitions and researching about other people’s experiences dating with these conditions, how was I supposed to tell someone “hey I may switch up on you at any given day, but I will also need reassurance that you love me because I have horrible self-confidence.” It seemed impossible, and nearly unattainable that I had planned to never even get married just to save myself from that conversation.

However, when it came time that I felt comfortable to share my story with my partner, it proved to me how freeing it was to take control of this disease that had taken control of me for so long. It decided how I felt every day, it decided how I looked at myself and the people around me, it decided when I was going to cry or when I was going to laugh, and finally, here I am taking control of something that I felt for the first time in my life I actually had control over. 

I told my partner about my medications, and how important they are to my daily life. What medications did what and how they helped me stabilize my moods and impulses. I told my partner about my past and my sexual history which explains why I flinch when people touch certain parts of my body. I told my partner about my triggers and warning signs that shows as relapse or falling into bad patterns. 

For me, and talking to others with similar conditions, honestly and openness is something that is really hard for us but is a necessity in our relationships. Whether it be a relationship with a mother/father and a child, between partners, or just friends, being open is something that will just always strengthen those relationships that will keep you tied to the surface and to reality.

When I was in therapy, there was always an exercise we use to do called “grounding.” It meant that if we started to feel ourselves go into a manic episode or where there are enormous amounts of energy that we could just not express, we had to close our eyes and think or say something that would bring us back to the surface. Before, I used to do it alone in my room, trying to calm myself down. But now, my grounding is being with my partner and just feeling their touch. 

Talking to your partner about what affects you in your life is so important with any mental health condition, and vice versa. Explaining to them that this is what makes you mad or this is what makes you feel self-conscious. Telling them how you want them to handle a situation if it starts to go bad, or if you feel as if you should spend some time by yourself if it gets to that point. Another valid thing to say is, I don’t know. Sometimes when navigating a new relationship, it is important to understand that everyone is different. In one, you may want your space, but in another, you may want to be close, so you don’t feel as if you are abandoned or abandoning them.

There is nothing that one cannot accomplish because of a mental condition, especially love. Love is something that will encompass you and make you do stupid things. However, it’s the love that we have to know that we deserve. Some think they do not deserve true love because of the difficulties that they bring to their partners, this is not true. You must find your worth, aside from the things that you deal with in your head. 

Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder have not been portrayed properly and are subject to discrimination still to this day. I am not a scary person; I am not the girl you see as manically unstable that is seeing things that aren’t there like they show in the movies or tv shows.

Mental illness should never stand in the way of your own happiness or love. I had to teach myself that when it came to expressing myself to my partner. It is a huge step and something that should be intimate and safe. But if they are the right one, they will be there through all the ups and downs of everything in life, and for the first time in my life, I get to support someone else that loves me as well.